I've had something on my mind the past few days I feel I need to get off my chest. When Bran and I first got here to Germany, we befriended another couple. Nice people, she is a southern girl like me, and he is a big computer-nerd and gamer like Bran. We saw our first castle with them, spent a lot of time at their house, had dinners and other meals out with them. Nice couple really. They were expecting their first child when we met, and the more time we spent with them, the more I could see jealousy and longing in my husband's eyes. He even said it out loud once or twice, about how much he wished we were expecting our own little bundle of joy. It hurt, it honestly felt like a slap to the face. I want so badly to give my husband a son or daughter to call his own. To have a big, pregnancy swelled belly and to argue over how to decorate the nursery. He is more than ready to be a father, and every time I see him around little ones it makes my heart melt.
I was told that because of the violent nature in which I lost my first pregnancy, that there was too much damage to my reproductive organs, that it was unlikely I would ever experience pregnancy again. I was told this by not one, but two doctors. I was told I was essentially infertile by another doctor just a few months before my second pregnancy and loss occurred....and afterward I was basically told that Angel was a fluke. I honestly don't know if losing weight will help my body be able to conceive and keep a baby. But considering how often the doctors in my life are wrong, I do have some hope. I try not to let myself hope too much. Every time my period is severely overdue, or I experience what I prayed was morning sickness, I hoped, and hoped HARD. It physically hurts to see only one pink line, or the stupid digital readout of "not pregnant" show up on the damn tests. The one time I deluded myself into seeing the two pink lines I actually cried, huge, heart wrenching sobs when my doctor told me I was wrong, that the damn blood test came back negative. (Hence why I started buying the more expensive digital ones) Can I just say it? Scream it maybe? INFERTILITY FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!! It hurts, and breaks my heart. Was having some pregnancy symptoms just a few days ago. Bran kept bugging me to take a test but I kept "forgetting" truth is I avoid those things now if I can. I finally did take it, and I did not even cry when I saw the words "not pregnant". I knew that would happen, and though I still hoped, I knew it would not be what I wanted to see.
Back to that nice couple. They had their beautiful baby girl a little over a month ago, Bran has been over several times, I have not gone to see her. Not even once. I even avoid reading the blissful new mom's Facebook posts now. I skip quickly by the pictures. I can't quite put my finger on any one solid reason why. I do not have a problem being around babies and young children. I have two almost one-year-olds I babysit very regularly here. One of them I see nearly every day because I am constantly with his mom. (You should know her by now, she has been mentioned before in previous posts, I even have a few pictures of her and her blue-eyed boy in one of them.) She recently told me that I have become a "second mom" to her son. That was a little hard to hear, it felt good to know I am such an important person in this boy's life, I have come to love him, but it hurt too. I am a God Mother to a beautiful little girl, and also to a boy that is not born yet. I have been "second mom" to one other little girl too. It feels good, but hurts too because of how much I want a baby to hold in my arms and call mine. Okay, starting to babble, the point is I have no problem being around babies. My problem is the moms. Especially first time moms in those first few months of their baby's life. That expression on their faces as they gaze into their precious one's eyes. It feels like a knife in my heart. It is so beautiful, but so damn PAINFUL. I never got that with Lily, nor with Angel. But it is Lily that hurts the most. I felt her, I saw her on the sonogram, I pictured how she would look as a newborn and in the adorable little dress I bought her. When I was told I would be having a daughter I was so filled with joy. Every now and then, when I am holding my friend's son as he is sleeping or drinking his bottle, I feel a sharp pain in my heart, and sometimes when she is holding him and gazing adoringly at him, I feel a flash of jealousy. I think it helps, as horrible as it sounds, that I know her own journey to have her son was not easy. She and her husband struggled to have a baby. Their son is a miracle. Their story gives me hope that Bran and I will have our own miracle one day.
So, for the most part I am fine with being around, and even caring for, babies and young ones. It's the newborns and their moms I have a problem with. I guess that makes me a terrible person...maybe even a hypocrite. I preach hope and love for children, how protective I am of pregnant women, and I can't stand being around them in the first months after birth. I should get over it, grow up, be an adult. Life is not always fair and we don't always get what we want. Considering how I have been avoiding them, this nice family probably thinks I hate them or have some big issue with them. (well, I do have issues, but it's not THEIR fault) I am hoping they are so wrapped up in their lives as new parents that they haven't even noticed. Chances are they have though, or will soon given how many times Bran has been over there without me. I've run out of excuses. I still don't want to go over there. I don't want to feel that knife in my heart. I don't want to get all awkward and choked up. Maybe I really am a terrible person for feeling this way. For avoiding these people just because they have something I don't. I'm human though, I am not perfect. Does not seem like much of an excuse. I almost don't want to post this. I don't want to have to deal with my husband wanting to talk about it. Or a message from either the new mom or dad after they read it. I don't want to deal with anyone getting upset or angry with me for feeling this way. Or, even worse, saying they understand. But, I am putting on my big girl panties and posting it anyway. Who knows? Maybe something good will come of it. First step in getting past something is to say it out loud right?
I was told that because of the violent nature in which I lost my first pregnancy, that there was too much damage to my reproductive organs, that it was unlikely I would ever experience pregnancy again. I was told this by not one, but two doctors. I was told I was essentially infertile by another doctor just a few months before my second pregnancy and loss occurred....and afterward I was basically told that Angel was a fluke. I honestly don't know if losing weight will help my body be able to conceive and keep a baby. But considering how often the doctors in my life are wrong, I do have some hope. I try not to let myself hope too much. Every time my period is severely overdue, or I experience what I prayed was morning sickness, I hoped, and hoped HARD. It physically hurts to see only one pink line, or the stupid digital readout of "not pregnant" show up on the damn tests. The one time I deluded myself into seeing the two pink lines I actually cried, huge, heart wrenching sobs when my doctor told me I was wrong, that the damn blood test came back negative. (Hence why I started buying the more expensive digital ones) Can I just say it? Scream it maybe? INFERTILITY FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!! It hurts, and breaks my heart. Was having some pregnancy symptoms just a few days ago. Bran kept bugging me to take a test but I kept "forgetting" truth is I avoid those things now if I can. I finally did take it, and I did not even cry when I saw the words "not pregnant". I knew that would happen, and though I still hoped, I knew it would not be what I wanted to see.
Back to that nice couple. They had their beautiful baby girl a little over a month ago, Bran has been over several times, I have not gone to see her. Not even once. I even avoid reading the blissful new mom's Facebook posts now. I skip quickly by the pictures. I can't quite put my finger on any one solid reason why. I do not have a problem being around babies and young children. I have two almost one-year-olds I babysit very regularly here. One of them I see nearly every day because I am constantly with his mom. (You should know her by now, she has been mentioned before in previous posts, I even have a few pictures of her and her blue-eyed boy in one of them.) She recently told me that I have become a "second mom" to her son. That was a little hard to hear, it felt good to know I am such an important person in this boy's life, I have come to love him, but it hurt too. I am a God Mother to a beautiful little girl, and also to a boy that is not born yet. I have been "second mom" to one other little girl too. It feels good, but hurts too because of how much I want a baby to hold in my arms and call mine. Okay, starting to babble, the point is I have no problem being around babies. My problem is the moms. Especially first time moms in those first few months of their baby's life. That expression on their faces as they gaze into their precious one's eyes. It feels like a knife in my heart. It is so beautiful, but so damn PAINFUL. I never got that with Lily, nor with Angel. But it is Lily that hurts the most. I felt her, I saw her on the sonogram, I pictured how she would look as a newborn and in the adorable little dress I bought her. When I was told I would be having a daughter I was so filled with joy. Every now and then, when I am holding my friend's son as he is sleeping or drinking his bottle, I feel a sharp pain in my heart, and sometimes when she is holding him and gazing adoringly at him, I feel a flash of jealousy. I think it helps, as horrible as it sounds, that I know her own journey to have her son was not easy. She and her husband struggled to have a baby. Their son is a miracle. Their story gives me hope that Bran and I will have our own miracle one day.
So, for the most part I am fine with being around, and even caring for, babies and young ones. It's the newborns and their moms I have a problem with. I guess that makes me a terrible person...maybe even a hypocrite. I preach hope and love for children, how protective I am of pregnant women, and I can't stand being around them in the first months after birth. I should get over it, grow up, be an adult. Life is not always fair and we don't always get what we want. Considering how I have been avoiding them, this nice family probably thinks I hate them or have some big issue with them. (well, I do have issues, but it's not THEIR fault) I am hoping they are so wrapped up in their lives as new parents that they haven't even noticed. Chances are they have though, or will soon given how many times Bran has been over there without me. I've run out of excuses. I still don't want to go over there. I don't want to feel that knife in my heart. I don't want to get all awkward and choked up. Maybe I really am a terrible person for feeling this way. For avoiding these people just because they have something I don't. I'm human though, I am not perfect. Does not seem like much of an excuse. I almost don't want to post this. I don't want to have to deal with my husband wanting to talk about it. Or a message from either the new mom or dad after they read it. I don't want to deal with anyone getting upset or angry with me for feeling this way. Or, even worse, saying they understand. But, I am putting on my big girl panties and posting it anyway. Who knows? Maybe something good will come of it. First step in getting past something is to say it out loud right?