(Brought to You By the Birthday Girl)
Anyone paying attention to my Facebook lately knows I've been experimenting with make-up, nail polish, and other accessory-type "girly stuff". I'm 26 years old, and most women start with this in their early teens, making me a little late to the game. I've also been playing with the camera on my iphone, it has this feature that turns the camera to the front so I can take "selfies" easier, to show off my efforts. I suppose I've had moments where I've been coming across as a little conceited. I'm okay with that. I think every woman deserves to enjoy her own beauty, to explore new ways to enhance her natural features, and then show herself off to the world (and social media) to receive compliments. It is okay to fluff your own ego once in awhile, to celebrate feeling good about yourself; which is something I have trouble doing.
It's no secret that I have a very poor self-image, I often can't stand looking at myself in the mirror because all I seem to be able to see are my flaws. My biggest flaw? My weight. I'm fat okay? I hate my arms, my legs, my thighs, my whole freaking body. (Except my boobs, my boobs are fantastic), and I honestly hate how I look in pictures. I often feel so uncomfortable with how I see myself that I have trouble eating at get togethers, or in places that are crowded. Especially if I happen to see my own reflection as I'm about to chow down. Any psychiatrist worth their salt could tell you I have some serious food issues. My other Big Problem is my skin, specifically my face. I suffer from adult acne and roseacia, a condition that causes my face to be red and blotchy along the t-zone. Some days it looks like I have a bad sunburn, even when I haven't been out in the sun more than a few minutes.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not completely hideous. I do have some nice features. People tell me I'm beautiful, my husband even says I'm sexy. I get compliments on my hair, my breasts, my smile....but I have a hard time seeing what everyone else sees. I've been through some seriously messed up shit in my life. Have had some very unhealthy relationships. I've been told over and over again how ugly I am. How I'm fat, disgusting, and pathetic. No one will ever love me, and anyone who tells me good things are lying just so they can knock me down even harder later. When you have been told over and over again the same negative things, by the same person who claims to love you, those hateful words become a part of you. His voice becomes the voice inside your head telling you those same things over and over and over again. It's been years since I've been a part of that relationship. It's been years since I've heard his voice. Unfortunately that voice is still with me every day, every time I look in the mirror, every time I try on a new outfit or put on make up, I hear it. I hear it telling me the same ugly things. I know those things aren't true, I know I'm not that person, that ugly thing. I know I'm a human being that deserves love, friendship, and good things in life. However it's hard to change the voices in your head when they've been a part of you for so long.
I know there will be people reading this and thinking "what about your friends? Your husband? Don't they tell you good things about yourself? Don't they help you?" Hell yes they help me. They've saved me. Every day I have people in my life who tell me I'm pretty, and smart, and funny. Every day of the last eight years Brandon has been a part of my life he has done his damnedest to fix the damage that's been done. I have improved by leaps and bounds over the years, become a person again, and not just a sad puppet. But I've reached the point where he can't help me anymore. No one can, not really. It's up to me now. I have to learn to stand on my own, to face the voices in my head and tell them to fuck off. I AM beautiful. I AM intelligent. I am a good person and a wonderful wife, friend, sister, and daughter. I am loved, and I am deserving of that love. I know all these things to be the truth, that it was all the hateful crap that was the lie, I know this, but it's still hard for me to believe it....
Before I get people calling me, asking if I'm okay or if I need to be medicated, please understand this: what I am doing right now is simply putting into words what I have been feeling, and dealing with, for years. This isn't anything new for me. The only "new" part to this situation is that I am taking responsibility for my own mindset, and trying to change how I see myself. Don't get me wrong, I am still working on losing weight, I need to for my health. But I also need to be able to love the body I'm in now, so I can better appreciate my future one. Does that make sense? I need to love myself, to see my own beauty, and not zero in on my flaws 24/7. If I don't do that now, I won't be able to see and appreciate the improvements.
So instead of allowing my inner voices to say hateful, mean things to me every time I look in the mirror or see myself in a photo....
..........I'm going to take charge, insert my own voice with positive words. The same words given to me by those who truly love me. By writing this goal down, and sending it out into the world, I'm making it real. I know the change won't be overnight, but little by little, I will change my own thinking. I'll stop being so overly critical of myself. I will stop focusing on my flaws, and celebrate the things about me that are beautiful. Because I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I have so many people in my life: friends, family, acquaintances, that all say how pretty I am, how smart. That I am a wonderful addition to their lives. I have people in my life who say I saved them, made their lives better by being there for them. That is a wondrous feeling for someone like me, who was once convinced she was good for nothing and no one. That I was only a burden.
I'm not that broken girl anymore. I'm not sure what I am, but I AM sure of what I am NOT.
Anyone paying attention to my Facebook lately knows I've been experimenting with make-up, nail polish, and other accessory-type "girly stuff". I'm 26 years old, and most women start with this in their early teens, making me a little late to the game. I've also been playing with the camera on my iphone, it has this feature that turns the camera to the front so I can take "selfies" easier, to show off my efforts. I suppose I've had moments where I've been coming across as a little conceited. I'm okay with that. I think every woman deserves to enjoy her own beauty, to explore new ways to enhance her natural features, and then show herself off to the world (and social media) to receive compliments. It is okay to fluff your own ego once in awhile, to celebrate feeling good about yourself; which is something I have trouble doing.
It's no secret that I have a very poor self-image, I often can't stand looking at myself in the mirror because all I seem to be able to see are my flaws. My biggest flaw? My weight. I'm fat okay? I hate my arms, my legs, my thighs, my whole freaking body. (Except my boobs, my boobs are fantastic), and I honestly hate how I look in pictures. I often feel so uncomfortable with how I see myself that I have trouble eating at get togethers, or in places that are crowded. Especially if I happen to see my own reflection as I'm about to chow down. Any psychiatrist worth their salt could tell you I have some serious food issues. My other Big Problem is my skin, specifically my face. I suffer from adult acne and roseacia, a condition that causes my face to be red and blotchy along the t-zone. Some days it looks like I have a bad sunburn, even when I haven't been out in the sun more than a few minutes.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not completely hideous. I do have some nice features. People tell me I'm beautiful, my husband even says I'm sexy. I get compliments on my hair, my breasts, my smile....but I have a hard time seeing what everyone else sees. I've been through some seriously messed up shit in my life. Have had some very unhealthy relationships. I've been told over and over again how ugly I am. How I'm fat, disgusting, and pathetic. No one will ever love me, and anyone who tells me good things are lying just so they can knock me down even harder later. When you have been told over and over again the same negative things, by the same person who claims to love you, those hateful words become a part of you. His voice becomes the voice inside your head telling you those same things over and over and over again. It's been years since I've been a part of that relationship. It's been years since I've heard his voice. Unfortunately that voice is still with me every day, every time I look in the mirror, every time I try on a new outfit or put on make up, I hear it. I hear it telling me the same ugly things. I know those things aren't true, I know I'm not that person, that ugly thing. I know I'm a human being that deserves love, friendship, and good things in life. However it's hard to change the voices in your head when they've been a part of you for so long.
I know there will be people reading this and thinking "what about your friends? Your husband? Don't they tell you good things about yourself? Don't they help you?" Hell yes they help me. They've saved me. Every day I have people in my life who tell me I'm pretty, and smart, and funny. Every day of the last eight years Brandon has been a part of my life he has done his damnedest to fix the damage that's been done. I have improved by leaps and bounds over the years, become a person again, and not just a sad puppet. But I've reached the point where he can't help me anymore. No one can, not really. It's up to me now. I have to learn to stand on my own, to face the voices in my head and tell them to fuck off. I AM beautiful. I AM intelligent. I am a good person and a wonderful wife, friend, sister, and daughter. I am loved, and I am deserving of that love. I know all these things to be the truth, that it was all the hateful crap that was the lie, I know this, but it's still hard for me to believe it....
Before I get people calling me, asking if I'm okay or if I need to be medicated, please understand this: what I am doing right now is simply putting into words what I have been feeling, and dealing with, for years. This isn't anything new for me. The only "new" part to this situation is that I am taking responsibility for my own mindset, and trying to change how I see myself. Don't get me wrong, I am still working on losing weight, I need to for my health. But I also need to be able to love the body I'm in now, so I can better appreciate my future one. Does that make sense? I need to love myself, to see my own beauty, and not zero in on my flaws 24/7. If I don't do that now, I won't be able to see and appreciate the improvements.
So instead of allowing my inner voices to say hateful, mean things to me every time I look in the mirror or see myself in a photo....
..........I'm going to take charge, insert my own voice with positive words. The same words given to me by those who truly love me. By writing this goal down, and sending it out into the world, I'm making it real. I know the change won't be overnight, but little by little, I will change my own thinking. I'll stop being so overly critical of myself. I will stop focusing on my flaws, and celebrate the things about me that are beautiful. Because I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I have so many people in my life: friends, family, acquaintances, that all say how pretty I am, how smart. That I am a wonderful addition to their lives. I have people in my life who say I saved them, made their lives better by being there for them. That is a wondrous feeling for someone like me, who was once convinced she was good for nothing and no one. That I was only a burden.
I'm not that broken girl anymore. I'm not sure what I am, but I AM sure of what I am NOT.
I am thankful to be alive, to have the chance to improve upon myself, and live a happy life. I'm thankful for the amazing people I have the honor of calling friend and family. I know I have said this before, but I truly do not know what I'd do without you. That is one reason I am doing this. The people in my life deserve the best of me. They deserve a Sam that feels about herself the same way they do. They deserve a Sam (and I deserve her too) that does not allow careless, thoughtless people from her past to define her. A wise young woman once told me that the only people who's opinions should matter to you are those of whom love you, and you love them in return. She was right. So I am banishing the mean talk about myself, and becoming a person who genuinely likes herself. This is just one of the many steps on My Journey.
As always, thanks for reading! And HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
(Just a quick side note, I want to say THANK YOU HOPE GRIFFON, for helping me with the second picture, you did an awesome job.....and sorry for almost waking your child with my screaming at my computer for being uncooperative)
As always, thanks for reading! And HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
(Just a quick side note, I want to say THANK YOU HOPE GRIFFON, for helping me with the second picture, you did an awesome job.....and sorry for almost waking your child with my screaming at my computer for being uncooperative)